Release
by bellahannah666
Summary: Callie is reaching crisis point. Her promise to her mother to keep Jude safe and happy is proving more difficult than she thought, and as a result she's struggling to keep it together. What happens when she meets a young blonde cop, and is shown what a real family is like? Set before the Pilot, Callie is 14, Jude is 9. Trigger Warning: Contains disordered eating
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters or any of the characters in this fic apart from Fee.**

I know it's my fault. I know that.

Last night, I lost the battle. I allowed myself to gorge greedily on rice, and now my stomach is paying the price. Rotating slowly, I survey myself in the mirror, cupping my fingers over my bloated stomach. I sigh, and lower my white chiffon shirt, allowing it to fall over the bloated skin, tugging it tight to ensure it covers my midriff. Reaching for my mascara, I take a deep breath and steady myself for the day ahead. One sweep, two sweeps, left eye, right eye. The routine helps to relax my nerves and normalize the morning. I dab on some blusher and slick on a coat of lipgloss. Reaching for my hairbrush, I count the number of times it takes to get my dark brown hair to lie smooth.

17.

'Cal?' Jude's high pitched whisper is audible as he raps on the bathroom door three times.

I wince, inwardly willing him to be more quiet, so as not to wake up the entire house.

I sigh, and reach for the handle, opening it to let him into the broom-cupboard sized bathroom, and he quietly shuts it behind him again.

'Why are you up, bud?' I ask, as I pull him into a morning embrace.

'I couldn't sleep, I've been up all night.' He mumbles, his voice lost in our hug.

I feel the familiar butterflies begin to rise up in a storm from the pit of my stomach… if Jude is having trouble sleeping again, things must be worse than I thought. He's always had anxiety, but the insomnia only starts when he's particularly irrational.

I close my eyes to steady my fears, and strain a smile for his benefit.

'Why don't you come to breakfast with me?' I offer.

He smiles, and tells me he'll just be a minute, as he tiptoe runs back down the corridor, and emerges several minutes later, dressed in dark denim jeans exposing his ankles, that he's long outgrown, battered sneakers, and his favourite pink t-shirt, that I helped him tie-dye last summer. He slings his backpack over his shoulder, and he looks so small and fragile in the early morning light that for a minute I panic that it's going to crush him. I reach forward and ruffle his hair, and propel him forwards, one hand on each shoulder.

We creep out of the house together.

'Where is he?' Jude pesters, as we sit waiting perched on the sign for the café where I had agreed to meet Fee, at 7.

It was now 20 past, and Jude was becoming increasingly bad tempered.

'I'm sure he'll be here soon, bud.' I tell him, and squeeze his shoulder by way of reassurance, casting my eyes hopefully around the parking lot, my spirits lifting when I see the familiar tall frame sloping towards us, grey hooded sweatshirt hiding his face, and probably his hangover from the previous night. As he spots us, he smirks, the closest I ever get to an official smile, and I bite my lip in apprehension as the smirk turns sour upon clocking Jude. I shrug my shoulders in a wordless apology, and my shoulders relax as he winks at me and greets Jude with a friendly fist bump, despite the fact I've told him on multiple occasions that Jude isn't a fist-bump kind of kid.

'Hey Cal' he says softly, and gives me a hug, stooping so he can wrap his arms around me, before tilting my chin up for a kiss. His lips linger on mine just long enough for me to catch a whiff of stale alcohol on his breath. I hide my gag, but take his hand and Jude's, with my other hand, and we walk into the café looking something like a military unit.

Ten minutes later, Jude has a hot chocolate and some toast, and Fee and I both have black coffees, and the conversation is flowing more easily. I love it when it's easy, carefree. I love that the two most important people in my life can get on.

'So, Cal, you free tonight?' Fee murmurs, holding my hand in his across the table as Jude slumps beside me, engrossed in spreading his jam perfectly evenly on each piece of toast.

'Fee, you know I'm working.' I feel the mild irritation rising, as I've always worked Mondays , as long as Fee and I have been dating.

'Ugh, you'd think your work was more important than your boyfriend.' His expression turns sulky, and he withdraws his hand. We sit in uncomfortable silence. I count 136 seconds before he asks me why I'm not drinking my coffee.

'I will,' I murmur, 'it's just too hot.' I recall the bloated feeling this morning from my rice last night, and suddenly the smell of the strong coffee makes me feel nauseous.

'Well, it cost me 5$ so you better drink it,' he jokes. I smile gratefully, acknowledging the fact that he's paying, however as the bill arrives at the same time, he puts down a 10$ bill. He's paying for our coffees, I realize, but I'm paying for Jude. I slide down the money for his toast and cocoa and we hand it to a waitress.

I take 3 pretend sips of my coffee, and slosh some purposefully onto the saucer, to make it look like I drank some. Fee, luckily, doesn't notice, but I can feel Jude staring at me from my right.

I lift the cup to my lips again, and, knowing Jude is watching, force myself to take a sip. The coffee is piping hot and delicious, liquid energy.

20 calories of liquid energy, I think subconsciously, before shaking my head to myself. The things I worry about when I'm overtired. I have much more pressing issues to deal with than my bikini body, I remind myself inwardly, and force one more sip, and reach down, and squeeze Jude's hand in reassurance.


	2. Chapter 2

The school day drudges by so slowly that I feel I've aged at least 40 years by the time the 3 o'clock bell rings, and I can pick up my bag filled with impossible amounts of homework. I follow the stream of students out to the hallway, and stop when I reach my locker.

'Cal!' The high voice is unmistakably my new friend Tasha's, and I inwardly cringe as I feel the whole hallway turn to stare. Tasha has that affect on people.

'Cal,' she repeats as she comes up to me and envelops me in a dainty hug, 'get your stuff and lets go get a coffee, you'll never guess what happened to me today!'

Sensing shes about to launch into a long story about yet another guy who came up and asked her out, I quickly jump in.

'Sorry, Tasha, Im working tonight!'

'Ugh,' she groans, 'what is the point of being best friends with a girl who is always busy working! Why are you working anyway? Do you parents not give you an allowance?'

I cringe, and close my eyes, and slowly count to 3 to suppress my irritability.

'See you tomorrow?' I offer feebly, and she rolls her eyes and squeezes my arm in reassurance, throwing a 'text me later!" over her shoulder, before flouncing off, her long, perfectly straightened blonde hair visible as all heads turn to check her out, students flying backwards to create a path for her. If you didn't know her age, no one would ever believe she was a freshman.

The truth is, I ponder as I begin to walk out of school, I've never had a friend like Tasha before. But the foster home we're in now, is decent; while our foster parents ignore us completely, they also don't hit us, or lock us away. And I can put up with a bit of neglect, and the odd cruel comment from our foster father, because it is usually silenced my his wife, and as long as they leave us alone, I can be the mother to Jude; as far as I'm concerned, I basically am. But when we joined Anchor Beach, we were suddenly surrounded not by drugs and weapons, like in our previous schools, but by kids who defined popularity by makeup and hair, sporting ability and flirting skills. I didn't even mean to reinvent myself, it just kind of happened, out of desperation to make this placement work, once I realized how lucky we'd been to find a safe home. And so I started caring about what I looked like, and made sure my grades were decent, so that I could not only fit in, but start to build a future for myself, and therefore for Jude. And as soon as I made sure I looked normal, and in this new place where no one knew about the 8 foster families in the last 6 years, the other kids started treating me normally aswell. In fact, the only ties to my last foster home are Fee, my boyfriend, my job, and of course Jude.

I sigh and look up at the brightly coloured sign spelling out 'Anchor Beach 4th Grade Home Rooms', and I wave as I see Jude sitting in the window, chatting to a pretty blonde woman. I sigh as I realize he hasn't seen me, and begin to walk towards the classroom. I knock lightly on the door, assuming this is a teaching assistant, as I've never seen her before, and Jude describes all his teachers to me in such detail, I feel bewildered to have never heard of the blonde before.

They turn around, and Jude grings.

'Callie!' He all but squeals and hops up grabs his backpack and wraps his arms around my waist.

'Hey, bud!" I smile and return the hug, and ruffle his hair.

'Hi, I'm Callie,' I introduce myself to the blonde.

She nods and smiles at us,

'Nice to meet you, sorry I don't actually work here, I'm the vice-principal's wife, but I had the day off so thought I'd come surprise her..' She begins.

'But then she saw me waiting for you so she came and chatted to me!' Jude finishes, grinning at me. I ponder this for a minute, Jude is usually shy and doesn't talk to strangers, but he looks so genuinely happy that he's made a new friend so I just smile at him and reach for his hand.

'Well… thankyou.' I say, and nod, offering her a smile.

'No problem. Is your mum in the car or…?'

Instantly, I feel Jude tense beside me.

'No,' I say smoothly, 'Just me today!' I hold my fake smile in place for a few more seconds, before exchanging another nod, and leading Jude out of the school.

'She was so nice, cal!" he babbles, and I smile and let him talk about his new blonde friend all the way to the Corner Café, where I work, and I smiled and sat him down at a corner table, bought him over a milkshake, before putting on my apron and name tag, and starting my shift.

I love my job, I really do. Fee helped me find it, fed up of always having to pay for our meals, and while I was convinced that no one would look at me twice because I had only just turned 14, he promised me that if I sold myself right, they would. I'd been in such a desperate state then, that I think I only really agreed because I knew the age old equation of money=power, and I needed power, not just for me, but for Jude. We have so little control over our lives, and I shudder as I remember the last foster home; where money was particularly relevant, as our fostermother 'forgot' to feed us, for days at a time. Remembering the way that my shoulder blades stuck out, I squeeze the fat on my arms in disgust, but then shiver at the memory of the way you could count each of Jude's ribs. After I called Bill, when Jude fainted, and I hadn't been paid yet for that week so couldn't feed him, I promised myself that I would never feel so powerless again.

'Callie!' I snap back into the present as I hear my boss shouting my name.

'Sorry, yes?'

Isabella, my boss, is so lovely and friendly, and frankly, what I like most about her is her no nonsense nature, and don't-ask-don't-tell persona. Like me, I sense she is a private person, so despite having worked here for 6 months, I still don't know her last name.

'We've some how managed to run out of ice,' she whispers urgently, moving next to me, 'could you possibly run down to the convenience store?'

I glance at the clock; my shift ends in 40 minutes, so I smile and nod, before suddenly freezing.

'Urm, I'm so sorry…' I stutter, glancing over at Jude, 'Would you-"

'Yes, yes I'll keep an eye on your rugrat' she interrupts, and I nod, take off my apron, and sprint down the road.

Panting, and out of breath, I feel confused. I don't exercise much, but I'm genuinely in reasonably good shape, so the fact that the run to the store and back has tired me slightly worries me.

'Oh well,' I mutter under my breath, and shake it off.

'Thanks, Callie,' Isabella smiles at me and reaches for the bag of ice, 'buy yourself a drink on me.'

I smile and nod back, before realizing that I haven't eaten all day. The paninnis that they were serving at lunch smelt off to me, and I never usually bother with breakfast. I feel a strange surge of victory, as my hands fly to my stomach and I feel that the bloating from this morning have gone down.

I pause by the blender.

If I eat now, I think to myself, I have to pay, and the money could come in handy at any time. I'm not even that hungry, in truth.

Content with my decision, I walk away from the coffee machine, put my apron back on, and resume my place by the till, taking orders from the last few customers of the day.

At 7, I thank Isabella, as she lets me keep all the tips as no one else was working today, and walk over to Jude, who I quickly realize has achieved 5 sums of his maths homework in the last 3 and a half hours.

'Jude!" I exclaim, and he follows my gaze, to his unfinished sheet.

'Oh… it was just really hard, and I wanted to people-watch. You know, Callie, there are some really interesting people in here. That old man in the corner has been sitting there for hours, and still hasn't finished his coffee, and…'

I roll my eyes, and begin to pack Jude's things into his backpack. 'People-watching', as Jude calls it, is his favourite game.

Personally, I can think of nothing more dull than staring intently at people, who are just sitting there, for hours on end, but I take Jude's hand, and let him fill me in on what he's learnt about our customers anyway.

Arriving home, I know something isn't right. The car is gone, and all the lights are off, and usually Sophia and John, our foster parents, are home long before we are from work. I slip the key into the door, and twist it, letting Jude into the house as I put the key away, and follow him.

'Hello?' I call, flipping on the light in the landing. 'It's us!'

Jude looks at me questioningly, as baffled by the silence as I am. Sophie leaves the house only to go see one of her friends, all of whom live on the street, which doesn't explain why the car is gone, and John leaves the office at 5 and comes straight back, every day, before going out to the pub after dinner.

I smile at Jude, 'I'm sure they've just popped out for dinner, hun. Why don't you go have a bath and get into your pjs, and I'll make us something to eat?'

Jude nods, apparently his worries placated, and I put both our school bags down on the kitchen table, and wander over to the pantry, as a brightly coloured square of paper catches my eye. I pick the post-it note off the fridge door, and struggle to read Sophie's illegible scrawl.

'Callie,

The Lucases are in BH for a few days, and invited us to come with them, and do some sightseeing! Am hoping you won't mind, as it's only 40 minutes away or so, but look after Jude, and food in the fridge, etc!'

I sigh, and try and imagine what must have been going through Sophie's mind when she agreed to go to Beverly Hills for a 'few days', leaving a 14 year old and 9 year old alone. Its not that I mind, since I look after Jude, regardless whether they are here or not, but legally, they should at least pretend to be here, or Bill would have a stroke or something. I roll my eyes, and scrunch up the note, deciding what to tell Jude. It's only a few days, so he won't mind, but he's a terrible liar, and I hate having to ask him to lie, but if he mentioned it to a teacher, or a friend's parent, we'd be pulled out of Sophie and John's, and who knows where we would end up? I bite my lip, and decide to think about it over dinner.

I pull open the fridge door, and sigh as I see that what Sophie means by 'food' in the fridge, is half a tub of cream cheese, some ham, and some salad leaves. I quickly look in the pantry, to find some pasta, and tinned tomatoes, as well as the usual cereals and fruit bowl.

I feel mildly irritated, as how she expects us to live off what is essentially enough food for two meals, three at best, is beyond me. I get the pasta out and put a pan of water on the stove, the cooking clearing my mind, as it gives me a task to concentrate on.

I start pouring in the pasta, and then suddenly stop, as I realize that I could make it last for two dinners, if I didn't eat it tonight. I smile, and feel strangely satisfied with my reasoning, and continue to make the dinner for Jude.

I put the hot bowl of pasta on the table and get two glasses of water, and two apples from the fruit bowl. One for Jude, for dessert, and one for me, as I reason, that I have to eat something.

'Jude!" I call, and no sooner than I've said it, but he arrives, in his two small skippy pyjamas, his hair still damp from the shower.

'Hi, baby.' I say, and give him a huge hug, before nodding my head towards the table, where I've set out his dinner.

'Cal, wheres yours?' He asks, sitting down. I pause, before regaining my voice. 'I already hate, bud! You took ages in the shower.' I jokily wink at him, ignoring the guilt for lying to him, but reasoning that otherwise he would worry.

It takes me 36 bites to eat my apple, and by the time I've finished it, Jude has eaten his pasta, and half of his. I smile at him, and he looks at me curiously, but I quickly pick up our glasses, his plate and my core, before he can question my subconscious slow eating. I'm just stressed, I think to myself, realizing I still haven't decided what to tell Jude about where Sophie and John are.

'Can you tell me your day story, Cal?' Jude's voice pipes up over my loud thoughts, and the sound of the running tap.

I smile to myself, 'day stories' are something Jude and I made up in our first foster home, where he wanted a bed time story, but we didn't have any books, so I would tell him a story based on the events of my day. We agreed it was a good way of catching up as well, and quickly it became our nightly ritual. He hadn't asked for one in a few weeks though, and I had told myself it was because he was happy enough not to need the escape of reality, but truthfully, I missed them.

'Course, bud.' I smile, and take his hand, leading him up to bed. Within ten minutes, and after I made up a story that made even my life sound less mundane, he was fast asleep. I kissed his forehead, tucked in the covers, and quietly exited. Heading into my room, I surveyed my enormous pile of homework. It was already 9:30. I sighed, and started my history essay, ignoring the tiny voice in my head that said that I had more important things to worry about than the French Revolution.

When my alarm goes off, an hour early, as it's still set at the same time as yesterday, when I had to leave early for breakfast with Fee, singing Single Ladies on full volume out of my cell, I have a minor freak out, momentarily forgetting where I am. I slowly open my eyes, and realize that I fell asleep finishing off my English comprehension, and am still fully dressed at the end of my bed. I sigh, but at least inwardly congratulate myself on finishing my homework. I grab some clean clothes and head to the bathroom, showering off the smell of coffee and stress still clinging to me from yesterday. The hot water somehow makes me feel dizzy, so I turn it to cold, which at least wakes me up, and helps to clear my brain.

I brush my teeth, and comb through my damp hair. Applying my usual lipgloss , blusher and mascara, and rubbing coconut moisturizer all over my arms and legs. I look at my flat stomach, and feel a sense of pride. Since starting anchor beach, I've noticeably lost a few pounds, and feel better for it. It's at least one thing in my life that I can control. I slip into a navy a-line skirt with a creamy, lace camisole, and my usual white converse, and quickly blow dry my hair, leaving it in brown waves down my back. I feel slight apprehension about school today, as I realize I forgot to text Tasha last night, but quickly laugh at myself as I realize how mundane the things I am worrying about, when I should really be spending my time thinking about what Jude and I are going to live on for the next couple of days. I reach for my cell, and see that I've got three missed calls from Fee, and a text from Tasha, asking if I'm free to get a Starbucks before school.

I sigh. Tasha and her group of friends spend their life in Starbucks, at the cinema, in the mall, and for once, I almost wish I could join in, and go meet them and have fun before homeroom, or after classes. But as soon as I even recognize the longing, I remind myself that that would mean either taking Jude with me, or leaving him alone, neither of which are viable options, so I survey myself quickly once more, and make a mental note to call Fee back.

I go downstairs and get out a cereal bowl for Jude, and ignore the voice in my head that questions why I'm not having cereal aswell. I reach for another apple, and take a bite. We have plenty of time before we have to leave, or even before I have to wake Jude, so I sit down at the table and text Tasha back, telling her I'm not able to make it.

I feel a strange sense of apprehension as I dial Fee's number; I could tell he was fed up of me taking Jude on our dates, but I remind myself that most of our dates, ever since I started dating him a year ago, when we met in group therapy that Bill made me attend after we left our 4th foster home due to my foster father using me as a punch bag, have involved Jude. The fact that Fee is 19, and so in college makes it more difficult though, and sometimes I wonder if he is even interested in me anymore, especially now I get to see him less now that I'm not in group anymore, and we moved a few miles out of the neighbourhood.

He picks up on the third ring, and I smile, reminding myself that if he wasn't interested, he wouldn't take my calls.

'Hey, babe.' He drawls from the other end of the phone, and I can instantly tell he's still drunk from whatever he was doing last night.

'Hi, whats up?' I reply, my heart inexplicably starting to pound faster, either out of nervousness or love.

Love, I tell myself firmly.

''Not much, you missed a great party last night.'

I feel the irritation rise inside of me, _obviously _I missed the party, he didn't even invite me. Not that I'd have gone if he did, but still.

'Sorry,' I mutter, deciding that it's easier to apologise than fight.

'So when can I see you?' He suddenly says, breaking through any awkwardness.

'Urm, how about tonight?' I suddenly realize I could invite him over, as Sophie and John aren't going to be here.

'Yeh, where you gonna be at?'

'Home actually, Sophie and John are on holiday.'

'Who?'

'Our foster parents.' The frustration at his obvious lack of interest, as he doesn't know my foster parents names rises, but I inwardly remind myself it's not something worth getting annoyed with.

'Wait, so they're leaving you and the rugrat alone?'

'Yeah, why?'

'Babe, that's ace, you gonna have a party?'

'No! Of course not! I have Jude to think about.'

'Whatever, babe, you working tonight?'

'Yes, but a short shift. I get off at 5:30.'

'Great, I'll come over at 7 ish.'

'Wait-' I start to say, but the beep tells me he's ended the call. I wanted to tell him to wait until Jude was in bed, since I know Jude isn't crazy about Fee, but I remind myself that Jude just wants me to be happy, and won't mind. I sigh, and struggle to push myself up off the chair, and trudge up the stairs to wake Jude.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: I'm so sorry for the delayed update, I was on holiday and there was no Wi-Fi! I'm going to post two chapters quickly to make up for it. I'm so sorry, again, and hope I haven't lost many readers!**

The school day drags by painfully slowly. By 1, which is when my lunch hour is, I finally manage to sneak off to the bathroom. I am exhausted; the kind of exhausted I didn't know existed. I lock myself in the cubicle, and sit down on the cold, hard toilet seat. I bury my head in my hands, and take out my book for English class, and lose myself in a moment of solace, and Sylvia Plath's 'The Bell Jar'. Tasha and all her other friends have a different lunch to me; I'm not in any AP classes besides English, as a result of moving school so many times I've fallen behind- so I have my lunch break an hour before them. This hour to myself is something I am grateful for, and I love the freedom to do whatever I want during these hours. Most often, I just read the assigned text for English, or catch up on homework I know I wont have a chance to do if I'm seeing Fee that evening, or taking Jude somewhere.

The high-pitched shrill of the warning bell jerks me out of my daze, and I reluctantly fold the page of my book, and head out the cubicle. I walk slowly to my locker, and get out my books for fifth and sixth period. I also take out anything I might need for my homework, as I know I wont have a chance to before I go to get Jude, as I make a mental reminder I have to go via the library. The last two periods drag by slowly, and I can feel the seconds ticking by slowly, mundanely, like a drip. I shiver, and slump in my seat, exhausted.

_You haven't eaten today._

I do my best to ignore the little voice in the back of my head.

I'm not hungry. If I were hungry I would eat; if I ate now it would just be out of greed, I remind myself. I nod affirmatively as if trying to confirm with myself what I know; eating at the moment isn't good for me. _I'm not hungry_, I repeat to myself. _No one eats when they're not hungry, because their body doesn't need it. Eating now will just make you fat. And do you really want to be-_

'Callie, do you know?'

The deep voice of Mr. Faulkner pierces into my inner argument, and I jump, realizing I don't have the faintest idea what the question is, or even what topic we're doing.

'No, sorry.' I mumble, and avert my eyes to the smooth wooden table, my cheeks burning.

The final bell goes and I start to gather my things, and join the back of the line of students filing out the classroom.

'Callie?'

I bite my lip nervously, and give a false smile to the history teacher.

'Yes, Mr. Faulkner?'

'Callie, is everything okay? Just it's not like you to not pay attention at all. I thought you were serious about getting all your grades up, you've been doing so well.'

I swallow nervously, and consider what excuse I can tell him. How can I tell him, that school may be important, but it's not AS important? How can I tell him that my boyfriend won't leave me alone? That my foster parents are across the state? That I feel so weak and tired? That my only friend is mad at me for exactly the same reason you are; because my priorities are in your opinion, screwed up? Or that my little brother deserves so much better than I can give him; that he deserves a family?

'I'm fine, sorry; I just didn't sleep well last night. Too much texting!' I give a false, high-pitched, girly giggle. The giggle that comes effortlessly to most, but took me no less than 3 weeks after joining Anchor beach to perfect.

He looks relieved. Relieved that he doesn't have to deal with any real problems. He nods, and waves me on. I flip open my phone, and notice that it's already 20 to 4. I'm 10 minutes late already. I sprint to the library, and go straight to the educational books section. I scour the shelves, until I find what I'm looking for: 'basic maths explained.' I whip it off the shelves, and scan it through the system, swiping my library card, stuffing the book into my bag, and sprinting out, and going as fast as I can to the elementary school. I steady myself, and take three breaths to calm my panting and panic, and I try to look composed as I walk through the outdoor playground towards Jude's classroom. I observe that he's the last child again, and I feel a wave of guilt. His grade finishes at 3, and its now 3 minutes to 4. My last class lets out at 3:30, so he expects me to be late, but not usually this late. I remind myself that I went to the library to get the book I need to help Jude, but the guilt prevails.

'Jude, I'm so so so so sorry, I promise-' I stop abruptly as I notice the other person in the room. As she turns, I start to panic as I recognize her as the vice-principle, Mrs. Adams-Foster. She is writing on the board, and my eyes follow her to the board, where I see carefully written sums in neat print on the board.

'Hi, are you here for Jude?' Her voice is soft, kind. It strikes me as odd that she doesn't seem annoyed that I'm late and she was stuck babysitting for Jude.

'Yes. I'm so, so sorry, I got held up. I had to go to the library, and it's right the other side of school to the junior high classrooms and-'

Her laugh cuts me off again, and my babbled excuses trail off into oblivion.

'Relax. We were just doing some maths catch up.'

'Oh really?' I smile at Jude, but he refuses to meet my eye. I bite my lip in guilt and try to smile again at the teacher.

'If you have time, would it be ok if I have another ten minutes with Jude? You can sit down and everything, but we're so close to getting this type of division, which will really clear up other topics for Jude.'

'Are you his maths teacher then?" I feel confused; Jude always talks about his maths teacher as a 'he', who he can never understand.

'No, no, I don't actually teach, but I just offered to help when I saw him sitting here waiting.'

Fresh guilt rises and I smile, and go sit in the corner of the classroom, and watch as they continue their lesson. I realize I have to be at work in an hour. No less than half an hour later, though, they're still going, and yet Lena shows no signs of wanting to leave, or of frustration. I begin to worry, before telling myself that Jude is the most important, and I sigh, and text Zach, the other barista, and ask him to cover my shift. He replies quickly: Sure thing! Will be keeping the tips though ;) I know it was a reckless decision. Now more than ever, with Sophie and John away, I could use the money, but I just squash my concern and concentrate on everything else.

I discreetly check my phone under the table, to see 6 missed calls, all from Fee, and three texts. I open the texts, one from Tasha, apologizing for not seeing me today, one from Fee, and one informing me I have 2 new voicemail messages. I bite my lip, and read the text from Fee telling me he called to see if I wanted to ditch school and go to lunch with him, and I feel grateful that I didn't see my phone until now, so I didn't have to make up an excuse.

It's now 4:30, and I start to panic, I'm going to have no time to do my homework before Fee arrives. Looking at Jude, I wink at him, to let him know it's ok, and I'm sorry. After a few seconds to my great relief, he gives me a smile, before turning back to the board.

'Do you see now, Jude?'

I watch as my little brother's face lights up with understanding and delight, and I sigh quietly. _This _is what he deserves; proper attention and love from a real adult. Not half-wit foster parents, and my best efforts, which, despite their intentions, are still not good enough. The guilt threatens to overwhelm me, so I just blink a few times to stop my eyes from welling up and look at Jude again.

'Thank you so, so much for all your time.' I say politely and stand up and go and hover beside Jude while he packs up his finished homework assignment, and the rest of his books.

'No problem, at all, really. Jude has been doing really well and I love to see children make progress, if he needs help with anything, don't hesitate to ask.'

The last part is directed more towards Jude, but I bite down on my lip to stop myself from asking if she would tutor him every week; the delight on Jude's face makes me feel so happy and relieved. But I don't want to ask too much so I just nod and smile. Jude arrives at my side, backpack on. He slips his hand into mine while I finish my conversation with Mrs. Adams- Foster, and we both thank her for her time. As we start to leave, she suddenly turns to me.

'Callie?'

'Yes?' I reply, dutifully.

'Urm, Jude could I quickly have a word with Callie?'

My heart starts to pound and I bite my lip. Did Jude tell them our foster parents never came home last night? What does she want to talk about?

Jude nods and closes the door behind him, saying he'll wait outside.

'Callie, sorry to keep you, but I just wanted to say, it's been reported that Jude is always picked up late? We don't mind at all, but if it's a recurring problem, maybe we should set up some sort of solution?'

I gulped down my guilt and worry, and allow myself to feel grateful that she's asking me about it directly rather than calling our foster parents.

I nod.

'I'm so sorry, it's just my last class doesn't finish until 3:30.' I explain.

'What about your parents?' She asks.

I gulp. 'They work across town,' I lie, 'and so they would be later than I am, and I really don't mind at all.' I realize I'm babbling nervously now.

'Well, how about I look into getting him into some sort of after school club? For a half hour, so you both finish at the same time?'

I feel an overwhelming wave of gratitude. 'That would be amazing. Thank you so much.'

'No problem at all. Sorry to keep you.'

'Thankyou, i-'

'Love, are you almost ready?'

I jump startled, then realize the voice is talking to Lena. The door swings open further, and I recognize the blonde woman I spoke to yesterday.

'Hi, Callie.' She smiles at me.

'Hi,' I reply, awkwardly, as Jude appears in the doorway again.

'Callie, Jude, this is my partner, Stef, but it appears you've already met?' She questions.

'No, only briefly, yesterday in the classroom when Callie collected Jude.' Stef explains smoothly. I try to smile at her, but I feel awkward and trapped; I hate being the centre of conversation, and even this empty chit chat with two adults is stressing me.

'Well, these two are students here,' Lena tells Stef I smile at both of them and say goodbye, and walk towards the doorway, where Jude's and my hands meet almost out of habit, and we walk slowly out of the school.

It's only when we're completely out of the school, and in the clear, that I allow myself to breathe.


	4. Chapter 4

**Here is the next chapter! I found this chapter really hard to write so I'm sorry if it's rubbish haha!**

By the time we get home, it's 5:15, and I quickly let us in, and sit Jude in front of the TV. Within seconds I hear the garish sound of _Horrible Histories_ blurting from the TV. Rolling my eyes, I run upstairs to my room, and ditch my school books on my bed. I go to the bathroom and survey my appearance. I re-apply my mascara, and a slick of lip-gloss. I take two fingers to each cheek and pinch my cheekbones; a trick Tasha taught me, to show off my cheekbones. I brush out my hair and sigh as I see that the ends have got all tangled. I braid a portion of my hair and clip it back, and tie the rest in a knot at the nape of my neck. I stare at myself. My face looks bloated; white and round. My neck looks a bit thick, and my shoulders appear rounded. I sigh and shrug off the worries, reminding myself they are not worth my time. I wash my hands, and feeling refreshed, I head downstairs. I look at the clock: 5:30.

'Hey, bud.' I greet Jude, plopping myself down on the sofa beside him.

'Hey.' He smiles at me and nestles into my side, his feet tucked under him. My arm automatically goes around him.

'What do you want for dinner?"

'What's on offer?'

I look at the sofa cushion, fixing my eyes on a tiny cigarette burn. I imagine how it would feel to be burnt away; for the material to just disappear. All because of carelessness; because no one was paying attention. I shudder.

Jude and I don't discuss what's hanging in the air; he knows Sophie and John aren't here. Thankfully, he doesn't mention it.

'How about pasta?' I offer. I know it's all we have, really, but I cant let myself worry about that now.

Jude nods in acknowledgement, and I quickly get up, and make it for him. I set it down on the table for him, and Jude comes over and smiles at me. Quickly, his smile vanishes and shifts to concern.

'Callie, aren't you eating? Again?'

'Jude, don't be silly. I had a free period second last, and so I pigged out in Starbucks, I had like, 5 brownies.' I laugh half-heartedly.

Jude is the hardest person in the world to lie to.

His frown eases, but doesn't disappear completely and I thank the stars that he doesn't know my school timetable off by heart.

There is a knock on the door that sounds more like a police knock than a request to come in.

'Who's that?' Jude's head snaps up.

'Fee.'

Jude's face darkens, and he raises his eyebrows and refocuses his attention on his pasta.

'Hi, babe.' Fee plants a sloppy kiss on my cheek as I open the door. Immediately, I can smell the beer on his breath. I nod and let him in, but inexplicably, my heart starts to pound faster and faster.

'Jude.' Fee acknowledges him with a curt nod.

'Hi, _Felix_.' Jude's voice becomes a snarl, and I glance at him, telepathically trying to tell him not to be so rude.

'Rugrat has got ruder I see!' Fee chirps, and looks at me accusingly.

'No, just a long day." I laugh nervously and try to make a joke out of it, while letting Jude know I'm defending him aswell.

The tension is palpable. Jude hates drinking; only I know how much. No wonder he's being rude to Fee. The problem is, Fee doesn't like anything less than niceness from everyone. He calls it 'his respect.'

'So are you having a party?' Fee drones.

'No!' I exclaim, repeating what I said on the phone earlier.

He rolls his eyes and without saying anything grabs my hand and leads me into the living room.

I glance at Jude apologetically, as Fee closes the door and kisses me.

'Hi.' He says.

'Hi.' I breathe.

He looks like the old Fee. The Fee before he started drinking so much. The Fee I started dating.

We kiss again, and I try to clear my mind of all my worries. This is where I am safe, I remind myself.

_I don't feel safe. _I want to tell the little voice to shut up, it's ruining the kiss.

_What would your mom say?_

I pull away, in shock.

'Whats wrong?' Fee sounds annoyed.

'Nothing… just… I was thinking about my mom.' I explain, quietly.

'youre thinking about your mom right now?" Fee sounds appalled, and a little irritated.

'Sorry… I lean back towards him, and we resume our kiss.'

'Callie, can I have a few people over? You haven't seen any of my friends in ages.'

'Fee…'

'Please. Just two or three. Everyone misses you.'

I question how they could miss me. I've only met Fee's friends a handful of times. Gavin, I remember, who was so creepy I couldn't be around him without goosebumps. James, who was permanently high or stoned. Angie, who I felt more sorry for than anything else. She seemed sweet, but her multitude of piercings and dreadlocks protected her from the whole world around her.

I sigh, I don't want to upset Fee. And it's already 6:30; I put Jude to bed at 8, and he will read in his room. He won't want a story tonight, he seems almost too relaxed to need one. I sigh and nod, ignoring my better judgement.

'Yes! Thankyou, babe.' He kisses me on the cheek again, and starts texting.

'Not until 8 though. I want Jude to be in bed.'

'You do too much for that boy. I used to be horrible to my little brother, it's a sibling right. He's not your son, Cal!'

_Feels like it, if only life were so easy._

'Callie, this is a stupid idea.' Jude informs me as I wait for him to brush his teeth.

'Jude, I swear it's like two of his friends, and it'll keep him happy.'

I don't know who I'm trying to convince more, me or Jude.

Me, probably.

'I trust Fee.' I add.

'I don't.' Jude retorts.

I sigh in annoyance.

'Jude, please just try. For me. He's important to me.'

'And me?"

'Jude! You're the most important person in the world to me. You know that.'

'I know. Sorry, Cal. I just don't want you to get hurt.'

I study the tiles on the floor. I want to tell Jude the truth. I want to trust Fee, again. But for some reason, I'm scared.

_He's not your dad. Drinking doesn't do the same thing to everyone._ I remind myself. But I cant help but think… am I making all the same mistakes my mom did? Trusting a drunk?

_You would never get in the car with him when he was drunk. _

_Is that any better?_

I sigh and remind Jude to rinse with mouthwash. He nods and smiles. Reminding him is pointless. He's the most hygienic kid I know.

I walk him to his bedroom, and tuck him into bed.

'I love you Callie.' He says unexpectedly, as I hand him his book.

I know it's true. But still, it's nice to hear.

'I love you too, baby. Always.' I kiss him on the cheek and ruffle his hair. I promse to come check on him in half an hour, and to turn his light off at 9. And then I take a deep breath. I hear the door open and close. And then I hear voices. I walk downstairs.

I start to panic. There are at least 15 people in the kitchen. All the boys are sitting on the kitchen counter, or the table. I recognize none of them, except for Gavin, who doesn't even acknowledge me. They all have beers or ciders, and a few six packs sit abandoned in the center of the table. There's a girl smoking, and she's using Jude's pasta bowl as her ashtray. I close my eyes in panic.

I can't see Fee anywhere.

I leave the room hurriedly, and head into the living room. He's sitting on the sofa, cigarette in one hand, bottle of vodka in the other. Next to him is a couple, who are kissing.

There must be at least 20 people here, I realize, in panic.

'Fee?"

'Cal! This is Artie and Bella. Guys, this is my girl, Cal. The party-thrower herself,' he slurs, wrapping an arm around me.

'It's not a party.' I reply curtly.

'No, of course not.' He drones, and winks.

'Cal, let's go somewhere.'

I let him hug me, but all I can smell is the alcohol on his breath. He puts out his cigarette and leaves it on the carpet. I stand on it to put it out, furious with him, but struggling not to show it.

The strange thing is, I feel safer now with him, than I did when he was sober. His edges are blurred like this. I tilt my face to his and kiss him.

He leads me next door, into the kitchen, and we do a quick round of the room, he introduces me to a few friends. I perch on the counter, and he hands me a beer. I look down at the foreign drink. I've only ever really sipped before, I never want my own.

I really want my own tonight, I realize. I let him take off the top for me. I stare at it, and turn it round.

_110 calories._

I look at it in shock.

Fee motions to me to take a sip. I close my lips firmly, suddenly deciding I don't want to drink at all. I tilt the bottle upwards, and flinch as the warm liquid meets my closed lips. I pretend to swallow, and let the liquid slip softly back into the bottle. I look at Fee, and he looks at me approvingly. He takes me by the hand and we kiss again.

We talk to his friends, and I admire the drunken slurs, wondering if I will ever have that freedom.

I excuse myself and go to check Jude. I kiss him goodnight, and tell him not to worry, and tuck him in. He is strangely quiet. I worry he can smell the un-drunken beer on my lips. I turn out his light, and head back downstairs.

Fee is the worst. His words are almost uninterpretable. He takes my hand suddenly, and I see him wink at his friend, Jake, and he leads me up the stairs, him stumbling, me pretending to stumble, and laughing once in a while. I smile at him, but worry starts to set in. The fear Ive started feeling when we're together is magnified by ten when I realize how out of control he is. He leads me into the bathroom, and locks the door. He smiles at me.

'You're so beautiful, Cal.' He tells me. I smile, and cup my hands around his face. I kiss him, slowly, softly. In this moment, I squash my fear, and allow myself to think he loves me. He says he loves me. I'm not sure I believe him. How can these words, coming from him, be the same as Jude's words, earlier, yet the two phrases are so different. Fee's love is scary. Jude's love is my safety blanket- my reason to keep going. Fee's love is the opposite; it's new and worrying and I'm not one hundred percent convinced its real. But I let myself kiss him anyway.

'I have a condom.' I hear him whisper, and suddenly I freeze in panic. He's made it clear that my childish want to just kiss isn't enough for him anymore, but it's never got to this point. I laugh nervously.

He takes my laugh for approval and continues to kiss me, but with a new purpose; this kiss is stronger; more passionate.

My breathing quickens, but out of fear, I quickly realize.

_I don't want this._

_I'm not ready._

_I'm only 14. _

_Jude's next door._

The excuses roll of my tongue, each one absorbed my Fee's kisses.

'Shh, don't worry, it won't hurt.'

'No, Fee! I don't want this!' I exclaim, again.

'Jesus, Callie, relax!' He mumbles. I realize how drunk he is as he hiccups loudly.

My heart is like a hammer against cloth, and I realize I am hyperventilating.

'Please,' my voice breaks. His hands are strong against me, and I want him to let go. I want him to get off. I start to sob quietly.

'Please, Fee.' He grips my wrists and looks at me, his eyes filled with anger and lust.

'Callie…'

'No, Fee! Please get off.'

Something snaps in his eyes, and he sighs in frustration and lets go of my wrists, and takes a step back. I sit down and start to sob, in relief and in terror.

'You're such a baby.' He says in disgust. I sit down and cry quietly, as he slams out of the bathroom. Ten minutes later, the house is quiet.

He's gone.

They're gone.

I remember how earlier, I forgot to buy milk for Jude.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm so sorry, I know not much happens in this chapter, but I wanted it to be about Callie sorting through what's happened, and trying to cope. The story is going to start moving faster soon, I promise. I'm going to put two chapters on really quickly one after the other, like I did last time, so enjoy! Also, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW as I need feedback, and I want to know if anyone is even reading this story haha! Thankyouu **

The floor feels so cold, like ice pressed against my cheek. Everything hurts, like the air is made of knives. My eyelids flutter open, and all I can see is the dirty, peeling-paint, off-white walls, and it takes me a second to recognize the area around me as the bathroom.

_Why am I asleep in the bathroom?_

_What happened?_

A barrage of images slam into me.

_Fee. What happened with Fee? _

And suddenly a tornado overtakes my brain; Fee and his friends, drugs and alcohol littered around the house, Fee taking me up to the bathroom, Fee wanting sex, Fee telling me he loved me…

Fee hitting me, Fee pushing me into the wall…

Fee…breaking up with me?

I struggle to push myself into a sitting position, and look down at myself. I'm still in last night's clothes. My whole body throbs. I shakily push myself onto my feet, and ignore the dizziness that threatens to overwhelm me. I slowly turn to face the mirror, and almost do a double take. My eyes are red and puffy, and my face is stained with smudged mascara and sadness. There is a trio of bruises on my collarbone. I quickly look down, and discover more bruises on my wrists, which look uncomfortably similar to fingerprints. The difficulty I'm finding when breathing makes me nervous, and I wonder if my lungs are okay. I close my eyes in alarm: last night is a blur, it's almost as if my brain has jumbled the images and memories just because it knows that I can't deal with the fresh pain that comes with clarity. I force myself to breathe normally. I didn't drink last night, logically, I know that, but I feel confused, and befuddled, regardless. _Breathe, Callie._

In, and out, in, and out, just like I teach Jude when he's scared or anxious.

_Jude._ Fresh alarm washes over me, and adrenalin pushes me out of the bathroom, shouting his name at the top of my lungs as I charge down the staircase.

'Jude! Jude!' I yell, rampaging through the house.

'Callie…?' I hear Jude's sleepy murmur, and I stop abruptly, looking around wildly for the source of his voice. 'What's wrong?' he emerges at the top of the stairs onto the landing, still in his pyjamas, with his soft brown hair sticking up in bed-head style lumps.

'Oh thank god, thank god, you're okay.' I stumble on my words, and, and run upstairs, enveloping him in a tight hug. I don't know who it is I'm trying to comfort more with the embrace; him or myself.

'Of course I am… Cal, what time is it? Did you just wake up?' I watch Jude as he takes in my crumpled clothes, my bed hair. I must look terrified, and terrifying all at once. I must look like a victim.

I look around in confusion. I feel entirely disorientated, before I remember that I turned my alarm off yesterday, intending to reset it before I went to sleep. _Shit_.

I inwardly curse and, taking Jude's hand, lead him to my room, where I stare at my unslept in bed, and look for my phone. I find it at the bottom of my school bag, and Jude waits patiently while I turn it on.

I have no missed calls. No apology texts, not from Fee. Not from anyone.

I click on the clock icon, and do a double take. Its Wednesday, 6th March, 11am. Jude and I slept until 11am.

I steady myself, as this dawns on me, and close my eyes in panic, as the anxiety threatens to overwhelm me. We've missed the whole morning of school I feel fresh waves of guilt. _I'm supposed to be able to look after Jude_. I sit despondently on the bed, and stare at the phone, willing the clock to change. I feel helpless, and hopeless, and useless; all at once.

'Callie, did you already make your bed?'

The small, confused voice takes me by surprise; I'd forgotten Jude was standing behind me.

'Hey, bud…Urm, yeah.' I insert every last ounce of energy in my body into making my voice sound cheerful and carefree for Jude.

'Callie, are you okay?' The concern in his voice fills the room.

_It's 11am. We've missed the morning of school. There's no food in the house, and I stupidly blew off work last night, so we only have recent savings to provide for us for god knows how long. The way we're living is completely illegal. The smell of stale beer is all I can smell throughout the entire house, on my clothes, in my hair, and it makes me feel sick, sick, sick. It makes me feel like last night, like I'm worthless; nothing. Fee almost raped me last night. I'm covered in bruises. I don't know what to do. It's 11am, and I don't know what to do._

'I'm fine, baby.' My voice cracks on the last word, and Jude comes closer and sits down beside me, reaching for my hand. He doesn't ask questions; he just sits down. I feel some of his strength reaching into my own, and I smile at him, gratefully.

'Go shower, baby, and get dressed for school. I'm going to go clean up.'

Jude nods, and heads to the bathroom, and I walk downstairs.

I pick up one glass bottle after one beer can after one empty cigarette packet. I clean and sweep and mop and I look at the clock. It takes me 40 minutes, and Jude is sitting, dressed and ready on the sofa, watching cartoons. But the house is clean. I sigh with satisfaction. It's 20 to 12, though, and fresh panic arises.

I have to get Jude to school. I sigh and quickly run upstairs. There are no school buses at this time of day, but if we hurry, we will be at school by 12:15, which is Jude's lunch break, and then he can have the whole afternoon of classes, and I can come up with an excuse for why he missed the morning. I reach for a make up wipe and quickly take off the smudged makeup from last night. There's no time for a shower, and I feel to exhausted to change. I pull on a black, baggy sweatshirt from my room, that effectively covers the bruises on my collarbone, and, if I pull it down enough, the bruises on my wrist. I look in disgust at my appearance, and fresh bile rises in my throat.

_Not now, Cal, _I remind myself to keep it together. For Jude. For me. I tie up my hair in a messy ponytail, and spray myself with deodorant, and body spray, and anything I can find to help disguise the smell of smoke and beer and fear that clings to me. I go downstairs, and grab the last food item in the house beside the dry cereal; the packet of ham; hand it to Jude with a glass of water, and wait patiently while he eats it quickly, hungrily, at the table.

His eyes question why I'm not eating, but I am too vacant, too damaged today, to care. I love Jude, and sometimes, I don't have the answers for his questions. Today, I don't even have the answers for my own questions. I reach for his hand, and we walk together, united, out the door.

'Callie, what happened last night?'

'What do you mean, baby?'

'Callie, you know what I mean. All those people, they were Fee's friends weren't they?'

'Jude, I love you, but do we have to talk about this now?'

Jude's questions are coming thick and fast, and I'm conscious of the time, of his age, of what I can tell him and what I can't. Of what I should and what I shouldn't.

'Yes, Cal, I'm not going to school until you explain what happened.' He says. stubbornly, and suddenly I turn around and he is sitting on the wall next to the sidewalk, arms folded stubbornly over his chest.

I feel a mixture of fear and pride; pride that he's only nine but he's able to stand up for himself, and fear, because despite it all, I don't know how I can start talking without breaking down. And I can't let Jude see me like that.

'Okay,' I crouch down in front of him, and hold his hands, deciding to tell him the bare minimum. 'Fee asked if he could have a couple of friends over, so I said yes, and then too many people arrived, if you remember that was about the time I tucked you in goodnight, and then I went downstairs and Fee and I talked, and then they all left. I was so tired I fell asleep straight away without tidying up, or setting the alarm.' I pause, and look at Jude's face, trying to gouge how he's taking my explanation. He doesn't say anything. 'I'm sorry, Jude.' I add, and cup his chin in my hand, bringing his eyes up to meet mine.

'Why are you sorry, Cal? I'm happy. You looked so scared this morning I was worried Fee… I was worried he hurt you.'

My heart breaks in two with guilt and sadness; I hadn't realized my worry had been so blatant this morning.

'No, baby. I'm okay, I promise.'

'Callie?' Jude asks, quietly.

'Yes, bud?'

'Where are Sophie and John?'

I focus on a tiny spot on the pavement. I don't know what to tell him; the truth? Half of the truth? Nothing?

'They'll be back soon, bud. Now lets get you to school!'

I put on my best false smile, and feel relieved when Jude smiles back, and slips his hand into mine.

I drop Jude at school with strict instructions to inform the teacher he was at the dentists this morning. I feel uneasy asking him to lie, but, I reason with myself, otherwise they'll call home and want to speak to our foster parents. I sigh and sit down on a wall outside the elementary school classrooms. I look at my worn in sneakers, my bare legs under yesterday's outfit, and the massive jumper that smells of fear. I close my eyes to keep the tears from coming out.

_I can't cry. I have to be strong, for Jude. _I tell myself fiercely. I nod, assertively, to myself, and stand up.

_Besides, he didn't even rape you. It was scary, but nothing happened. You're okay._

_You're okay. Jude's okay, and nothing happened._

I repeat this to myself like a mantra.

_Then, why don't I feel okay?_

I have no intention of going to school, not looking the way I do, which will attract more attention than just missing one day altogether, so I pull out my phone, and my purse, which I grabbed on the way out, and walk to the nearest Wal-Mart. It's about time I did some grocery shopping.

I pick up one of the metal wire baskets, and slowly browse the aisles. I pick out cans of tomato soup, or baked beans and of spaghetti hoops; Jude's favorite. They're cheap, and on sale, so I fill the whole basket with tins. I wander down to the dairy aisle, and pick up a pint of milk, surveying in skeptically. It's the one Sophie and John always buy, and its $1. That's one fifteenth of my entire budget for shopping. I look at it, but put it in anyway, knowing, logically, it's an essential. I grab a loaf of bread, and some apples that are on sale, and head to the counter. A rack of brightly coloured sweets stand on display next to me while I'm in the queue. I sigh, and against my better judgement, reach over and grab a packet of Haribo's for Jude; he could use a treat. I pay, and walk with my groceries home, unlock the door, and allow myself to be swallowed up by the rare silence.

I unpack the shopping bags, and head into the living room. I look at my phone clock, and am shocked to see it's only 1:30. I don't have to pick Jude up for 2 hours, and I don't have to be at work until 3. _Work, _I think in horror, that I blew off yesterday for the tutor session with the vice-principal. I sigh and head upstairs, and turn on the shower. I discard the clothes into the corner of the bathroom, and stare at myself in the mirror. My stomach looks a little flatter; the skin is stretched taught across my hips. My shoulders are still too round, and my neck is still thick, and the flab on my arms is noticeable, but my stomach feels like a small victory. _I did that,_ I realize. I wasn't greedy for a couple of days, because I've been so busy, and I look better. I quickly go to Sophie and John's bathroom, where I remember they keep their scale under the sink, and pull it out. I stand on it, and look at the number in shock. 115 pounds. I've always been 120 pounds. I've lost 5 pounds without even really trying. I smile, and tuck the scale back under the sink. _Wouldn't I fit in, a little more, and my problems be less noticeable, if I took up less space? If I disappeared, just a tiny bit?_

I nod and go back to mine and Jude's bathroom, and notice the steam from the shower has already filled up the small space. I get in, and allow the scalding hot water to wash off the scent off everything bad.

I get out, and wrap myself in a faded yellow towel. I brush my damp hair out down my back, and French plait it, fastening it with a navy hair tie at the bottom. I rub moisturizer onto my arms and legs. I dab some onto the bruises on my wrists, collarbone and the ones I found on the small of my back, willing them to heal quicker. I dab some concealer under my eyes, to hide the night-on-the-bathroom-floor. I add a sweep of mascara, and a slick of lipgloss, although the watermelon scent makes me want to throw up. I shudder, and leave the bathroom, and head to my cupboard. I leaf through the clothes. I pull out my favorite black jeans and a white lacy tank top, that Tasha gave me as a present after I said how much I liked it on her. I get dressed, and look at myself in the mirror. I wince. I look nothing like me. I look like a Tasha clone; the girls that walk around school trying to be like her, dress like her. I smile, because, today, I don't want to look like me. I grab a grey cardigan that covers my wrists, if I pull it down, and I grab the concealer from the bathroom, and apply it to my collarbone, clumsily hiding the bruises. I smile at myself. On the outside, I look better. I look confident, happy. I look together. Satisfied, I try my best to ignore the voice in my head, that tells me that on the inside, I don't look together at all, I look broken. I shake my head vehemently; _no one needs to know what I look like on the inside._


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Sorry it's taken me so long to update! And please please please review! And also maybe tell me ideas etc that you would like to happen in the story, it is all planned out but I don't want to write if you guys aren't enjoying! **

One step, two steps. I walk slowly down the pavement, almost enjoying the leisurely walk. It's 3:15; for once I wont be late to pick Jude up from school, and so for once, I wont be late for work. I stop by Jude's classroom, and try to ignore the gossip moms in small groups all around me; they're like grown up mean girls.

I stare at my foot, and tap it continuously against the gravel, until I hear the bell. A stream of children come rushing out, and I look up, waiting expectantly for Jude. Child after child barge past me, and I scan the heads of brunette boys, looking desperately for Jude. Suddenly, all the children are with parents; and there's still no Jude. I bite my lip in worry, and scan the windows, looking to see if he is still in the classroom. Sure enough, I see his tiny, frail structure sitting slumped in a little red plastic chair. Confused, I walk into the empty classroom.

'Jude?" I ask.

Jude looks up at me, his face tear-stained. Panic instantly arises in my stomach, and I rush over to him, wanting nothing more than to wrap my baby brother up in the biggest hug, to keep him safe and protected, forever.

'Baby, what's wrong?' I ask, cupping his tiny, nine-year-old face in my hands.

'Cal… I-I'm s-s-scared' Jude stutters.

'What? Baby you have nothing to be scared of! I'm here now. What's happened?' I rub his back, reassuringly and wrap one arm around his shoulder, crouching down next to him.

'A boy… a-a boy in my cla-a-ss, he s-s-aid…' Jude breaks off into fresh wails, and I pull him closer to me, trying to calm him down.

'Jude?' A soft, gentle voice breaks into Jude's crying and shatters our sibling bubble, and I spin around, keeping one arm protectively around Jude, out of habit.

'Woah, sorry, didn't mean to startle you!' She says.

I look up, and see the face of our vice-principle.

'Hi, Callie?' She smiles, in recognition of our meeting the day before.

I nod, and look at her questioningly.

'Well, I just came down here to check on Jude.' She turns her face to Jude, and also crouches down, on the other side of his chair.

'Jude, Miss Harrison told me what happened. Are you okay?'

Jude sniffles, and burries his face into my cardigan. I inch closer and wrap both arms around him.

'Callie, can we talk?' Miss Adams-Foster asks, abruptly, jerking her head in the direction of the door.

'Of course.' I nod, although I'm reluctuant to leave Jude in such a state. He clings closer to me.

'Baby, I will be right outside the classroom, just take some deep breaths, okay?'

Jude continues to cry softly into my shoulder, so I just pull him tighter.

'Miss Adams- Foster, I'm so sorry, would you mind if we talk in a minute? I'm so sorry, I'm just not sure Jude is ready to be alone yet.' I bite my lip, nervously.

'No, that's fine, Callie. How about I go get Jude a glass of water, and maybe a cookie?'

I'm surprised at the soft, gentle tone of her voice. I nod, gratefully, and she disappears.

'Jude, baby, look at me.' Jude averts his eyes to mine, and I reach forward and wipe away the tears with the corner of my jumper.

'What happened today?"

'Ca-callie, I'm so so sorry, it's so stupid.'

'No, Jude I promise you it's not. You're problems are and never will be stupid.' I assure him, my heart breaking at his self-doubt.

'I-I didn't know the answer in maths, and Jack shouted that I was stupid. So I ignored him, but all the other kids started laughing and I couldn't take it any more, so when he was leaving school, when he walked past my desk he kicked me. and I told him t-to go to hell, and then he said that if he went to hell, everyone would miss him, whereas, whereas…'

'Whereas what, baby? It's okay, you can tell me.' I assure him, continually rubbing small circles on his back, trying to soothe him, and supress the searing anger I have for whoever this Jack is.

'Whereas, I didn't even have any friends or parents, so no one would miss me.' Jude breaks into fresh sobs. I'm silent for a while, and pull Jude tighter in the most comforting hug I can give, wanting to hug all the sadness out of him.

'Jude, listen to me. You are the most special, wonderful, clever, sweet little boy, and you know what? If you ever went away, my life would be over. So Jack doesn't have ANY idea what he's talking about. Now who's the stupid one, eh? This stupid, stupid Jack!'

Jude giggles, and hiccups, loudly.

'I love you, Cal.' He mumbles into my shoulder.

'Hey,' I push him back and force him to look at me., 'I love you too, baby, and I never, EVER want you to forget it.' Jude sniffles and I wipe the rest of his tears away. He hiccups again.

'Hi, would now be a good time for some water?" Mrs Adams-Foster re-enters, and I eye her, wearily. After what Jude has just told me, I'm in ultra-protective mode, and while I logically know she won't hurt him, I feel hostile towards anyone that comes near him in such a fragile state. I don't let go of Jude's hand, until she sets down the water, and a plate, with Oreo's on it. Jude eyes them, and I pick up the water and pass it to him, and push the plate towards him, knowing he's too scared to take them himself.

'Are you ready for that chat, Callie?"

I look up at her, and then questioningly at Jude, who nods at me, and attempts a smile. I stand up and quickly kiss Jude on the top of the head, before following the vice principle out into the corridor.

'Callie, I was looking for you at lunchtime, to talk about what we discussed yesterday, about getting Jude extra tutoring or into an afterschool club, to ask you the timings for when you could pick him up, and the register said you weren't in school. Neither of you were in school until 12:15, and then not you at all. Yet, you don't seem sick? I then tried the house phone to speak to your foster parents, and both their cells, to no avail. What is going on? Is everything okay?'

I wince as she says 'foster parents'. She must have looked at our records. I hate the thought of overbearing attention from an adult. I bite my lip, and move my hand up to tuck my hair behind my ear, a habit I always have when I'm nervous. My head snaps up at her sharp intake of breath. I meet her eyes, and suddenly follow her gaze. My cardigan has slipped, and the bruises on both my collarbone, and my right wrist are on full display. Clumsily, I pull the cardigan around me, protectively, and stare at the ground.

'Callie…' The way she says the word, just my name, it's so soft, so gentle, so sad… I think of the way my name has been said so many times before by so many different abusers; shouted, yelled, drawled, hurled… the way she says it makes me hate it a little less.

I don't trust adults…yet something tells me, some inner intuition, that I can trust her. _Callie, get it together. Walls up, Callie. Don't let her in, don't let anybody in._

'Callie, I need answers.' Her voice wobbles, but I can tell she's trying to be assertive.

'My foster parents must have missed your calls, if you call back I'm sure they'll answer, and it must have been a bad time, or they would have been out when you called on the house line. Sorry, I'll let them know you tried to call. Also, I fell over, on the way to school this morning. That's what the bruises are from, and I took Jude back home with me, because I couldn't let him walk the rest of the way on his own. That's also why we were late. I'm sorry.' I drone out excuse after excuse, as convincingly as I can. I don't meet her eyes, until I look up. She's silent, and nods at me, unconvinced. I start to turn away, back to the classroom, back to Jude.

_My lies could easily be someone else's truth. My truths, if heard, might seem like someone else's lie. I wish I were someone else._

I shake my head, to clear it, and help Jude up. I put his backpack onto my back, and he slips his hand into mine. We smile and thank Mrs Adams-Foster for the time, the cookies and the water, and she looks at us in silence, surveying us. I feel spotlighted. I hate feeling this exposed.

I arrive at work, and sit Jude down in a plush arm chair, by the counter. He immediately starts to get out his school books and homework, and I smile at him gratefully. If he was even a little less wonderful, I know how difficult my life would be; I wouldn't love him any less, but I straight away apologise to Isabella for yesterday, but she just smiles and winks at me, saying not to worry and that Zach did a great job covering for me. I nod, and fasten on my apron, with my name tag and the Corner Café logo. I wash my hands and assume my role as barista, letting myself become immersed in the hard work, and the smell of coffee.

'Callie?" The familiar voice makes my heard jerk up from where I am trying my best to clean the strawberry pulp out of the blender.

'Tasha!' I try to sound carefree, and light, but the smell of coffee and my lack of sleep are making my head hurt. Its not unusual to see school students come in here, but usually they aren't ones who know me, and so I just keep my head down and take their order.

'Urm, what can I get you?' I hurriedly pick up a paper cup and scrawl Tasha's name on it in marker, and wait patiently for her to give me her order.

'Urm, non-fat vanilla latte please.' She seems taken aback by me asking for her order and I feel a twinge of annoyance; this is my job, I cant just be available for casual chit-chat.

I put the order through, and smile at her, trying to relieve some of the tension.

'Why weren't you in school today?' She blurts out.

'I, er, had a headache.' I mumble, thankful that my words are drowned out by the rumbling sound of the coffee machine.

I hand her her drink, trying to remember that this is Tasha, my _friend, _and so it is ridiculous to feel this nervy.

_But what if she finds out all your secrets? Would she want to be your friend then?_

I shake my head, and hand her her drink, hoping she'll take it to go. To my horror, after thanking me, she smiles at Jude, and goes and sits opposite him, starting up a conversation. Jude sneaks a sideglance at me, and I pray he has the iniative to keep his mouth shut. Tasha doesn't know anything really about my life out of school. She knows I have a boyfriend,_ had _a boyfriend, I should say- and that I live with Jude. She has no idea about my foster families, or my parents… it's all like one big secret. In my head, theres two Callie's. Theres school Callie, _normal_ Callie, who gets okay grades, and occasionally goes shopping, and has a few friends and wears mascara and liplgloss to school. Then there's Callie, real Callie, raw Callie. The Callie where if eighty-five tubes of mascara and lipgloss were applied, it couldn't hide how messed up and scared I am.

I prefer to keep my lives separate. I bask in the normalcy of school, and live my home life with Jude. I chew my lip nervously, and tap my foot on the ground, one, two three times. I stare at the clock, and take my next order. Tasha smiles at me, and exits through the doors. I feel myself visibly relax, and smile at Jude, trying to force it to reach my eyes.


End file.
